Honorary Degree

Honorary Degree

Goshen, Indiana
AP

Officials at Goshen College have confirmed reports today that President Barack Obama will travel to this economically-stressed community in northern Indiana immediately after his address at the University of Notre Dame next month. He will receive an honorary Doctor of Pacifism degree in appreciation of his recent speech where he promised to "rid the world of all nuclear weapons" by the end of his first term. When asked by reporters if he was concerned that the United States would be vulnerable to attack or blackmail by other nuclear-powered nations should the US have no nuclear deterrent, he said he would be happy to answer that question next week when his teleprompter would be updated with appropriate answers.

President Obama did mention that due to the growing criticism of his appearance at Notre Dame because of the Catholic Church's opposition to abortion, he was looking forward to traveling down the road to Goshen for another degree that would be in a more accepting environment. Unilateral disarmament is universally approved at Goshen College.

In addition, his combining trips would make the environmentalists happy as this would reduce his carbon footprint. Negotiations are underway between Goshen College and the Secret Service regarding the prohibition of guns on the pacifist campus. A compromise is likely where the President's personal bodyguard will be allowed to carry starter pistols that can only fire blanks while on campus. But they will not be allowed to point them at anyone least they become frightened but will be allowed to shoot the blanks into the air in hopes the noise would frighten off any potential threat.